1001 Ways to Annoy Edward Cullen
by WaylaidWanderer
Summary: A teenage girl goes out of her way to annoy the one and only Edward Cullen. Number 5 – Ask him why he likes watching Bella sleep. Call him a pervert. R&R!
1. Tell him Bella has decided to marry Jake

**1001 Ways to Annoy Edward Cullen**

by WaylaidWanderer

Disclaimer: Yup, anything here you recognize belongs to Stephanie Meyer, so it ain't mine, except for one obvious girl. I don't own the list either, until we get to the point where I think of new ones.

* * *

**Number 1 – Tell him Bella has decided to marry Jacob**

"Yo, Edward!" I called out to the pale teen walking a distance in front of me. The hallway at Forks High School was bustling with students. I had to fight my way through a bunch of people to get to him.

Edward turned around in mid-stride. "Yes? May I help you?" His face wore a curious expression.

"Um..." I began, pretending to look nervous. "Bella wanted me to pass on a message to you."

Edward's face softened at Bella's name. I grinned wickedly inside. He wouldn't be feeling all mushy for long.

"I don't know how quite to say this, but..."

"Is Bella hurt?" Edward asked quickly. "Is the love of my life, my lady dove, my buttercup–"

"Okay, you can stop right there," I said with a grimace, holding my hand up. Remembering that I was supposed to look nervous, I adopted the expression again, making sure I was only thinking about feeling nervous, and nothing else. "Right, anyways... Bella wanted me to tell you... that... she'sdecidedtomarryJacob." I said the last part all in one breath.

Edward stood perfectly still for a moment. He didn't even breathe (probably forgot he was supposed to be acting human in his shock). "Could you please repeat that again? Slower?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure you heard that with your super-speed and all. Super-speedy hearing probably comes with the job, doesn't it?" I smirked.

"Wait, what?" Edward said, showing surprise on his face for a second, and then glowering at me suspiciously.

"Um, nothing!" I exclaimed. "So, Bella... decided to marry... Jacob. Slow enough for you?"

"B-but – she can't have... we love each other! I love her, and she loves me!" Edward protested. "I even watch her in her sleep and everything!"

"Just passing on the message," I said with a shrug, readjusting one of my hair-clips. "Bye now!" I said, turning around and skipping away.

"Oh, I'm going to kill the dog!" I heard Edward growl as I left.

_Eeww, animal abuse! _I thought. _I'm going to report you, Edward! And oh, by the way, I was kidding._ I sent an image of me sticking my tongue out at him.

Edward gasped in surprise. "Wait! How did you know–"

I didn't wait around to hear the rest of his sentence, and skipped the rest of the way out the door of Forks High School, giggling like a maniac all the way.

_Man, being a psychic is fun!_ I thought to myself, confident that Edward-the-vegetarian-vampire wouldn't be able to hear me.

* * *

**A/N: Did you like? If so, REVIEW!**


	2. Shouldn't have gone camping, eh?

**Number 2 – Tell him Mike Newton was romancing Bella that day he went "camping"**

It was a week after I played my prank on Edward. Truth to be told, after he left on one of his "camping" trips, I was a bit bored. Pranking other people just wasn't quite the same.

As I entered Forks High School's cafeteria, I saw with a surprised glee that Edward was back. I guess it was to be expected, after all. The sunny weather had turned back into the old gloomy rain. He was sitting alone at a table, probably waiting for Bella. I looked around mischievously. Bella was nowhere in sight.

_Perfect,_ I thought to myself with a grin. Plopping myself down on the seat across from him, I said, "Hey Sparkles!"

Edward frowned at my nickname for him. I wasn't worried about whether or not he would find out I knew all about him. If he tried reading my mind, all he'd get was the number _3.1415926_ over and over again. Of course, it was hard thinking that and talking at the same time at first, but I got a lot better with time. Oh, and also I think about pie a lot. I guess he knows I love plurpleberry pie (whatever that is).

Edward interrupted my thoughts. "Yes? Who are you anyway?"

I waggled my eyebrows at him. "Why? Can't you just read me like a book or something?"

Edward scowled. "Alright, I must know: what exactly do you know about me?"

I pretended to ponder this question. "Well, let's see... your name is Edward Cullen, you have two sisters and two brothers named Alice, Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett... mmm Emmett... I do love a big strong man..." Edward's cough brought me out of my train of thought. "Oh sorry! Your mom is Esme and your dad's name is Carlisle... you and your siblings all got a 4.0 GPA every single term, none of you are related, et cetera, et cetera."

Edward lifted an eyebrow. "Anything... else?" he said with a careful tone.

"Nothing at all, _Sparkles_!" I grinned.

"I still haven't had the... pleasure of knowing your name." Edward said, no doubt thinking about my nickname for him, and the implications it held.

"The name's Elysia, but you can call me Elly. No seriously, call me Elly or I'll put a blowtorch to you." I stuck my tongue out at Edward.

"Alright Elly..." Edward sighed. "I assume you came here for a reason? Not another joke?"

"Wouldn't dream of it!" I smirked. "Okay, so you know when you went "camping"..." At the word "camping" I did an exaggerated air-quote.

"Yes...?"

"Little Mikey Newton over there was awwll over Bella, saying things like, "I don't like this thing between you and Edward" and "Why have Edward when I'll treat you so much better?" And I swear he was close enough that his nose was practically on her face." I smiled to myself. I could positively sense Edward glowering at Mike Newton already.

He then switched his gaze to me suspiciously. "You're not lying to me, are you?"

"Nope!" I said innocently, batting my eyelashes at him. _3.1415926, 3.1415926, 3.1415926..._

Of course, it was mostly true... I might have just exaggerated a _teensy_ bit.

"Okay, anyway, gotta go!" I said, sensing that Bella would be here in five minutes or less. Gotta make a clean break anyway.

Pretending to leave, I sat myself at one of the tables out of Edward's sight. I watched him storm over to Mike's table. "You stay away from Bella, you hear me?" I heard him growl.

Mike looked up in surprise. "What are you talking about?"

"When I went "camping"." he growled, starting to make air-quotes like I did. Realizing what he just did, he quickly brought his hands down. "I don't appreciate you slobbering all over Bella. She's _my buttercup!_"

Mike snickered quietly at Edward's words, but then let out a squeak of fear at the look Edward sent him. "Okay, big guy. Got it. Not allowed to be all over Bella. Yup."

It was at this point Bella entered the cafeteria and found Edward. Seeing the scene, she asked, "Oh my gosh, what are you doing, Edward? Is this about me watching a movie with Mike last Saturday? He said we were just going as friends! And we were only holding hands _as friends!_"

Edward glared at Mike. "You... did... _whaaaat_?" His voice was practically a growl. I giggled. _Oh man, this can't get any better. Thank God Bella is so oblivious._

"Oh man, I swear, I didn't do anything at all! It was just innocent, like she said!" Mike protested.

_Heh, I thought. I bet that's not what he's really thinking,_ I thought. As if on cue, Edward's growling became even louder.

Recognizing the danger signs, Bella tugged on Edward's arm and said, "Come on, Edward, just forget it. It was all innocent anyways! Why don't we go somewhere where we can be... alone?" She batted her eyelashes at Edward, attempting to distract him, but ended up looking like she had something in her eye. Edward must be attracted to girls who have things in their eyes or something, because he visibly melted.

"Of course, my dear, sweet honeyed dove..." They left the cafeteria together, leaving behind a relieved Mike Newton.

I gagged at Edward's words. _I bet that's what he usually has for "dessert". Eugh!_

_

* * *

_**A/N:** Well, here's No. 2 on my list! I have to tell you something though: I'm not a funny guy. At all. I'm trying my hand at humor here, so sorry if the results come out as crap! xP  
Not every chapter's going to be funny, okay?

To answer my reviewers:  
**xdrop-of-golden-sunx:** Yes, I do have a list, in fact! I have about 200 ways, so I'm not going to be making it up for a while ;)  
**Shenanigan Riddled Bumblebee:** My, that's an interesting name! To answer your question, she was thinking/concentrating hard on something else while she was talking to Edward, like in this chapter. I'm glad you think the last chapter was funny!

Thanks to **xdrop-of-golden-sunx**, **Shenanigan Riddled Bumblebee**, and **LittleMissWerewolf** for reviewing!

So, what do you think? I'd be honored if you took a little of your time to review this chapter, readers, so **REVIEW!** :)


	3. Imaginaaaaaation! spreads hands

**Number 3 – Imagine him naked while following him around**

Forks High School was, as always, a dull, dull place only spiced up by the overflow of teenage angst, and that kind of spice had expired a long time ago. I mean, nothing ever happens around here. Even with the fact that we have a bunch of vampires roaming around, do we ever have bodies mysteriously turning up, drained of blood? Nooo.

Of course, I, living in a place this dull must find ways to entertain myself – namely, annoying the one and only Edward Cullen. So it was like this that I found myself following him around today... while imagining him naked. Oh, in the least flattering ways possible, of course.

_Ah, there he is!_ I thought, spotting him in a crowd of students. I think that after a couple hours of my imagining him naked (unflatteringly), he tried giving me the slip. _Hehehe... You can run, but you can't hide!_

I walked closer to Edward, and immediately imagined him as a nude, marble statue a la Michelangelo's _David_, concentrating upon the image as hard as I could. I then proceeded to imagine a certain part of said statue falling off... a certain small, marble part.

Edward flinched visibly. He spun around and walked straight up to me, looking for all the world as if he desired to tear my head off.

I giggled. "You're really adorable when you look murderous, you know?"

"Elly, could you please stop doing that?" Edward growled. "It's distracting – and besides, you have some... ah... conceptions wrong... in terms of measurement, that is."

I gave him my best look of innocence, tilting my head confusedly. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" Edward exclaimed frustratedly. "Otherwise you wouldn't be doing it all... day... long!"

"Are you talking about the fact that I happen to be always and only _coincidentally_ ending up in the same place where you are?" I asked, giggling internally at the double meaning behind his words. "Because I swear I'm not stalking you!" I put on my best hurt expression.

"Oh, don't lie," Edward snapped. "I don't know how you seem to know so much about me, but I fully intend to find out."

I let out a mock, theatrical gasp. "Oh em gee, are you _threatening me?_" A few students around Edward and I looked around curiously. Edward glared at them, causing them to look away.

Edward paused. "...Maybe."

I stuck out my tongue at him. "I'd like to see you try to get anything out of me."

"Fine. Just stop following me around... and doing you-know-what." Edward stalked away unhappily.

Before he left though, I spontaneously imagined Edward Cullen and Jacob Black in a very compromising position... without clothes, of course.

"ELLLLYYYYYY!"

* * *

**Please REVIEW for more because it makes me write faster!**


	4. It totally exists

**Number 4 – Stare at him for ages. When he asks what you're doing ask him if he's that guy from Harry Potter**

I don't think I've ever been this still, or so focused. Half of lunch had already gone, and I've managed not to move even once. I was in the cafeteria, sitting right across from Edward. I kept staring at him, one central theme of thought running across my mind.

Edward sat with his head lowered, pushing around his food with a fork. Every once in a while he would glance up again, to find me still staring at him. After this went on a few more times, he finally put his fork down neatly beside his tray, and said, "Why are you staring at me?"

I didn't answer, but instead I started talking to myself, scrunching up my eyebrows in a scrutinizing expression. "Hmm... looks kind of similar," I mumbled quietly. "Same nose, brow line... but the hair... that's way different... I think _that guy's_ hair looked way better..."

"What are you talking about?" Edward demanded.

"How can you hear me?" I shot back. Edward fell silent, and I grinned.

"Also... dunno if it's just me... skin looks kind of pale..." I continued speaking under my breath. "Why don't you have a tan?" I asked Edward.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know how you always go camping when it gets all sunny..." I answered. "I just wondered why you never get a tan from your trips."

"I don't tan easily," Edward said smoothly. "It's a family trait."

"You do know that none of you – Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett or your parents – are related, right?" I queried. "So... what's your other excuse?"

Edward's composure slipped for a second. Attempting to change the subject, he asked, "What were you mumbling about earlier?"

"...Nothing," I answered. _He sure looks like Cedric Diggory,_ I thought, allowing that particular thought to slip out.

Edward's brow creased slightly. "Elly, won't you please tell me?"

I pretended to reluctantly acquiesce. "Aren't you that guy from Harry Potter?"

"...What?"

"You know, Harry Potter, bestselling film and movie of like, EVAR!" I said, acting affronted. "How can you not know about the best thing in the world!"

Edward lifted his eyebrow. "You do know, that there's no such film or book called Harry Potter."

"Well, it's not called Harry Potter exactly. It's about this boy who finds out he's a wizard and goes to a magic school called Hogwarts and then he has to stop this evil Dark Wizard that failed to defeat him as a baby and stuff and then he has all sorts of magical adventures!" I said, talking very fast. "The first one's called _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_ – but that's not important," I changed the subject. "Are you or are you not that guy from Harry Potter?"

"I'd have to say that I'm not." Edward responded. He clearly thought that I had a screw or two loose.

"But he looks just like you!" I insisted. "In that movie... you know, the fourth one, _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_, that Cedric Diggory Hufflepuff guy..."

"There's no such thing as Harry Potter!" Edward exclaimed, exasperated.

"Yes there is!" I shot back. "Look it up!"

"I'm telling you there isn't, Elly!" Edward responded.

"Is so!"

"Isn't..."

"Is!"

"Not!"

"Is!"

"Not!"

"Isn't!"

"Is!"

"Haha, so you admit it!" I exclaimed, laughing.

Edward only sighed, growling in frustration.

"Edward!" I heard someone exclaimed. Looking over, I saw that it was Bella, looking like she was about to have a breakdown. "What are you doing hanging around with other girls? I thought you loved me, Edward-poo! Are you leaving me? Am I not good enough for you any more? Oh, Edward!" She wailed.

"Um... okay, gotta go!" I exclaimed, standing up quickly and leaving the cafeteria, leaving Edward to reassure Bella that she was the love of his life, his lady dove, his buttercup...

Ew.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I'm not proud of it either. All I can offer is an apology. Life and schoolwork got in the way.  
But, I think that I can resume updating once every few days now! It'll be one chapter per week at the latest, if all goes well.

Right now I'm stuck writing my other fanfic, The Darkness Within. I'm going to have to plan out the rest of it meticulously, as I should have done before. Please, if you can, give it a read and tell me why NOBODY REVIEWS. I'm not proud of the first few chapters, but I think it has potential... right?

Anyway, if you liked this chapter and want to give me an incentive to write faster, you know what to do: **Review!**


	5. Perrrrrvverrrrt!

**Author's Note**: First off, a quick shout-out goes to Mingo-la, because she asked :) Thanks for reviewing!

* * *

**Number 5 - Ask him**** why he likes watching Bella sleep. Call him a pervert.**

"Elly."

I turned around at the sound of somebody saying my name. To my surprise, it was Edward, in all his perfect, Adonis-like marble glory. Not.

"Hey Sparkles," I said with a smirk. "What's up?"

"I need to talk with you, privately." He looked at me with an air of dead seriousness.

I sighed. "Oh, all right, if it's important."

"It is."

"Lead the way then, Sparky."

I followed him out of Fork's High School, and into the parking lot. As we approached a silver Volvo, I stopped.

"Why are we about to hold a private conversation in your car?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at Edward.

"Well, there are students everywhere in school, and I doubt you'll want to stand outside for much longer since it's going to rain soon." Edward responded. As if on cue, rain began pattering down onto the pavement.

I shrugged, opening his passenger seat door and got in as Edward did the same on the other side. I crossed my arms and said, "Alright, what did you want to talk about?"

"How do you know so much about me?" Edward asked immediately.

"No idea what you're talking about," I answered smugly.

Edward groaned in exasperation. "Come on, Elly. I know that you calling me 'Sparkles' or 'Sparky' or any variations thereof isn't a coincidence, along with the tasteless jokes that you've pulled on me."

"_Tasteless jokes?_" I shrieked indignantly. "They weren't taste– ahem, what jokes are you talking about?" I tilted my head up innocently to look at him.

Edward didn't answer, and continued on, "And you know about my special ability. I do not know how, but you do." He looked at me expectantly, willing me to answer his unasked question.

"You mean your mindperv abilities?" I grinned.

"My... what?"

"Well, peeking into people's thoughts all the time is kind of creepy. You sure you don't have a fetish for that kind of stuff?"

Edward looked horrified at the very suggestion. "No! The only one I will ever have feelings about is Bella."

"Is that why you like watching her sleep?" I asked, and suddenly burst into a coughing fit which coincidentally sounded like "pervert".

Edward frowned, deciding to ignore the last part of my sentence. Then he asked quietly, "How do you know?"

I sighed. There was no point beating around the bush. As much fun as it was not to, it'd be a lot easier to just tell him. _Ooooh, and then maybe I'd get to meet his family and everything!_ I squealed mentally. "I'm a psychic. Duh." I "coughed" again.

"A psychic." Edward stated in a disbelieving tone.

"Yep! ...Pervert." I added quietly.

"I'm not!" Edward said in a sharp tone. "Anyway, back to the point, you're a psychic?"

"Why do you find that so hard to believe? Alice is one, isn't she?" I demanded, twirling my hair around my finger idly.

"How do you know all this?" Edward hissed.

"I thought I just told you." I snapped. "I really am a psychic. If you don't believe me, that's your problem." With that, I turned around and stalked off, but not before having a coughing fit which still inexplicably sounded like "pervert".

* * *

**Author's Note**: Um. What can I say... sorry for not updating for soooo long. I've been swamped with school work, and I haven't been allowed to have free time or use the computer. I've been slowly writing my other fanfic along with this. I'm being forced by my mum to study, every single waking hour ("Sleeping time? What sleeping time? You've already wasted all your sleeping time! Even if you don't sleep at all you can't catch up in your studies!") but thankfully I'm still allowed to sleep. I disagree with my mum though, I'm getting almost all As (in fact, I was only 0.1% short of straight As) and I understand everything in class. Pleeeeeaaaase agree with me about this injustice and say my mum sucks. Thank you :)  
Well, ending this obscenely long AN now.  
Thank you, all of you for reviewing! There's too many to mention by name, but you all know who you are!  
I won't say reviewing will make me write faster, since I probably still won't have time after this, but it'll make me feel loads better. Thanks!


End file.
